long time gone

Crap has definitely been different since the last time i posted. I really had given up on writing. Mainly because I was convinced that i could write nothing but sad sad thoughts.

Well i was right i am incapable of blogging anything here that isn't my little sad BS, and honestly i am over it.

So here it is; more of the same.

So what has happened since i last posted anything here:

Im a year older
ive destroyed a Mercedes
i ditched my house
i bought a new house
some how i am still in business with the same people
amazingly i am still married (which is a topic of constant question...i can't figure it out, because it has got to be one of the most pathetic places to be.)
I'm still stuck
I'm still lost

I have my head examined weekly, and best i can tell my problem has something to do with giving the wrong report in 8th grade, and my parents never telling me that people are shitty.

Well now that I know those two things i have no course of action but to be a happier healthier person. mental illness be damned.

Just knowing that makes me feel more whole, more complete,and more aware of my feelings.

Great, so i have felt like at any point in a given day that the end of my world could be brought about by just about anything, and I have felt that way since 8th grade. Great, knowing that makes me "feel" so much better. Knowing that not knowing the difference between a Mayan, and an Incan civilization has caused me to feel uneasy about the rest of my life has really helped restore my self confidence.

I don't think i am doing myself any favors by continuing to create iTunes mixes that have the song under the milky way in them. can that really promote a happy sense of self worth balance.

Who can i blame? i think i have tried about everyone:

Clients are fuckers
Parents suck because they were too nice to me
Wife is a complete hooch
My live in sister in law is a scab
The police are out to get me
The republicans have done this to us
Blue Shield ruined my life
where have all my friends gone
it's Steve Job's fault (iFault)

No, i think the bottom line is that I am just not happy. I only have me to blame. I haven't been happy, maybe ever, and the best i can seem to conjure up is 10 minute spans where things are okay. I catch my breath and the blackberry flashes a lightning bolt of dread through my life yet again.

Who can i hate next for fucking me over.

Nope, still just me. That grey feeling is sweeping over me.

Get on Muni
Get off muni

Go above ground
Go below ground

Fear your neighbors

Forget the world around you and don't ever think about anything other than what is immediately in front of you.

Don't plan
Don't engage
Don't attach to anything
Forget that you were ever here

Protect

Wake up in five years to a different but shockingly similar world.

When did 415 move to Battery Street?

How did U2 manage to put out another 5 crappy albums

Oh my, you drained your retirement account.

Who is this slightly older, but more sharply angry person in the bed next to you? (maybe she suffers from the same sickness that you do)

How did you get here? why are you here? How do you go back? How can you escape?

OH MY GOD! The only thing that has become more usable is you.

Push through to the next thing? Why? What will it really get you? A sharper pain in the pit of your stomach? It has never brought you happiness, you couldn't find happiness if it was the size of the Soviet Union and you were standing in the Ukrane.

will you ever stop crying in a starbucks, has it replaced church?

Why do you feel more at home at a chain fast food coffee place than your own home?


How can this be fixed....

It can't, you can't, something snapped a long time ago, and you are broken.

...just fucking broken.

Okay, no hiding behind someone else's thoughts

So i am back to actually putting down my thoughts as opposed to borrowing from others. I have an appreciation for the crafty lyrics of Elfman, but to help myself get back into my head I am listening to things only in foreign languages to keep me focused on my own words.

I was checking email this morning and saw a note from one of my clients, one of their key advisors died on Monday night of a sudden and quite unexpected heart attack. I was floored, because I just met this man on Thursday of last week. I instantly became worried about his family who I've never met. What will they do now that dad or John isn't going to come bounding through the door tonight after work in the city or teaching at Berkeley? I gave this a fair amount of thought and started realizing that while I barely knew this man he left some kind of impression on me, and that I was missing the potential to collaborate with someone well respected and revered in many ways. John, i didn't "know" you, but by all accounts of what I am seeing around me, you will be sorely missed.

"...and just like that, he's gone."

Has my blog just gone sad? I guess it always has been. It certainly wasn't intentional. I feel like i am going to have to burn sage and start over. I may actually do that.

Yet more philosophy from Danny Elfman

Not really sure why it is that i am finding solice in 20 year old Oingo Boingo songs, but anyway.

I've always believed that lyrics can summarize my state, mood, or general being...

Here you go:

When I was young, my mind would always wander away
I couldn't talk, never had nothin to say
But now I'm grown, nothing much seems to have changed
I think I'm going insane yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Is this a fairy tale, are you the seven dwarves
Did Snow White really die while fighting in the war?
They were the only friends I ever trusted
Now they're scattered, and livin' in the city
Unlisted numbers, Huh

Cinderella undercover
I say, better alive than dead

The war is coming, but there's nothing much that we can do
Stuck in a pay-phone, but the operator won't let me through
I close my eyes, but the memories burn in my brain
I think I'm going insane yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I heard a rumor, they said it's gone nuclear
I stockpile cigarettes, and double bold the door
A sanctuary for all my friends
We'll stay in bed until the world ends
So please don't wake me, I gotta get some sleep

Cinderella Undercover
I say, better alive than dead
I think I'm going insane, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Is this a fairy tale, this can't be real
There's fighting all around, they're screwing in the fields
They say that values change when hunger or ambition strikes
Survival is essential, at any cost or any price
The cartoon animals on Old McDonald's farm
Are nodding off in hotel rooms with needles in their arms
The seven dwarves, HA!, there's only four alive today
Cinderella's working for the CIA

Cinderella, the fairy tale's over
You should know, you got the scars to prove it
And your skin isn't as soft as it used to
But I don't care, come on you said it baby

Cinderella undercover
I say, better alive than
Cinderella undercover
I say, better alive than dead