complications

So it has been a week or so since the last post. A few things have changed for me in some very interesting ways. I started realizing that each one of these steps in my evolutionary process is neither linear, familiar, or necessarily sticky...meaning right now i am prone to being at one end of the spectrum of normal and healthy or not. I'm feeling like this might just be the way that it is when you are experiencing this much change in an extremely short time frame.

I still feel a whole lot delusional about a number of things...or it might be safe to say that everything I wrote holds true. I would say I have become a little jaded about some aspects of the online dating thing, maybe dating in general...but sadly about relationships in general. I think from the perspective of any psychology professional this might be a good thing for me. I have a background in human behavior and I would categorize my overall mental state as empathetic overkill. Problem the extremely empathetic, they expect the same level of empathy back, because they live in a world where it's okay to have feelings. It's okay to discuss these feeling, and well they (me in this case) can be trusted when you tell them your deepest darkest feelings. They aren't going to do anything but empathize, and try and help you if you ask them to help and if they are in a place that they can help you. A baseline empathetic person will listen, and care as much as they can.

Empathy has had some benefits for me. I think being empathetic has been great for me when it comes to developing friendships. I have friends that I have known for 20 years and we are still as close as we were when we first discovered commonality. It has also been a huge benefit for me in the work that I do. Empathy has allowed me to take myself out of my shoes, my situation, and my knowledge base and see things from the perspective of someone else...and really try to understand how they feel about it.

The other side of it is relationships, where my heart is involved. I have realized that my empathy may be rather attractive early on. Or it might scare the hell out of you if you have met me for the first time, and I am concerned about your scoliosis enough to do research?! I don't know, but i could see how it might worry some people. Inline with that feeling is the expectation of similar and reciprocal empathy...as stated above. My problems start when that level of empathy is not returned it really hurts. I for my part get bitter and shut my empathy off, if it is really bad I tend to get mean, if i am really hurting i get downright nasty. In reality this is my whacked expectation. So back to the top....

What I am realizing about all of this is that people are not like me (generally) and that as a result I probably need to be a lot more like the rest of the population, which is sadly less empathetic. Or maybe more moderate in their empathy. It is figuring out what a safe and healthy level of empathy looks like, and consequently adjusting my level of expectations of others to match. Less weirdness all the way around.

I'm realizing in all of this is that doing things that truly make me happy are usually the best things for me and those around me. Not saying that I am selfishly just doing what makes me happy or only thinking about me. It is more like putting me first in a situation and being true to what it is that I need. Internalizing my worth and seeing the value in me...which is extremely difficult task...because in all honesty I seek the approval of others. (that has everything to do with my childhood and my family dynamic...see it always goes back to what your parents did or didn't to you as a child....great.)

As I have started to look at the overall situation from a 50k foot level it all kind of makes sense in some way, not that I have been able to truly internalize all of it and make it part of my MO. There is some zen like quality to every day being a separate and unique day filled with its own set of joys and challenges. I guess being the type A that I tend to be the day has been something to just get through on to the next one. All the time with some goal in mind...but it's been 38 years and i haven't really reached the goal. I don't even know what the goal is anymore. I was convinced for a while that it was survival, now it seems like quality of the content from the day. Was coffee good, did i get a funny email from a friend, did i get a wink, did someone say something funny and clever that made me laugh out loud? I guess it is any and all of those things, and that brings some joy and happiness in the moment. It doesn't further a goal or move me closer to anything, it just fricking feels good and that is enough. For now it is enough.

Developing a deep sense of value in myself seems like the next horizon in this whole mess. You can't really expect that anyone is going to value you to the extent that is going to make you happy...so best to feel content from the inside out.

Speaking of content I am going to go outside and sit on the front deck and watch the people and boats go by, and read for a while. Maybe even nap. That sounds like the best use of this part of the day. It's like a mini vacation before heading back to all of this other stuff.