Friday, August 17, 2007

recovery

so i am finally done being sick. i have been in my house for a bit. partially recovering from being sick, partially just trying to figure it all out.

i can't say i am any less content...i'm amazed that it is still holding up, even though this has been a hell of a week.

In some ways i feel like today i took a step back. i'm fighting about something that happened to me two years ago and has nothing to do with my current life, but for some reason i can't let it go. i was deeply hurt by a friend of mine and sort of family member which cost me a lot including my business. now this person is partially re-entering my life and it makes me uncomfortable. nothing was clearer than that tonight. really he has little to do with my current life but for some reason all of the old, evil, and crap stuff that went on was surfaced right to the top. It made me mad. it made me angry that my wife would bring this back into our house. as if our situation wasn't tenuous enough, now we have this thrown on top of it. I'm sorry, but the burn i felt over this is not some small thing, or something i can "just let go". This person almost cost me one of my best friendships.

I guess the transition out wasn't all bad. I got the opportunity to work with some great people who are now my close friends and business partners. I got to continue to work with some great friends while at bluee, and i got to meet some great new friends, who i hope will continue to be my friends for years to come.

i also got the opportunity to learn a lot about me. i have grown.

unfortunately i forgot about all of that tonight and just sent myself back two years to that feeling of self destruction. I was just so angry that this was brought into my house.

then i was just angry at me for feeling this way.

I don't know. i just know today will be a different day, and it has nothing but promise to be a better day.

though quite honestly yesterday (since it is now 1:34am) had some serious peeks and a couple of valleys.

babble.

last notes. i'm worried about my friends nootsmaak and Jeffy. I haven't heard much from one, and the other i am just generally worried about. I hope you guys are both okay. I'm thinking about you both.

back to wireframes.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

3 strange weeks - or what not to wear when your environement changes by 25 degress in an hour

As of this weekend i have been living with my parents for the last 3 weeks. Strange. I'm thankful that I have parents that are willing to take me in for a bit.

I've also been extremely ill for the last 4 days.

Needless to say i have had a lot of time to think, work, and figure.

First, what i've been up to...

Well i have spent an unbeliveable amount of time in coffee places. Starbucks, Tully's, independent places, and coffee places inside of other places. Banks and Grocery stores seem to be the latest things that go with coffee. No complaints.

One of the things that I realize is that I love coffee. I like food. I like wine. I like Vodka. I really love coffee. I care about how it tastes, I'm picky about the blend, the taste going down, the finish, all that crap. I have paraphernalia for the proper brewing of coffee. I'm a total user. I admit it. I have been away from my various magic devices and those are some of the thing I miss most.

I also realize that i am sensitive to the weather. I want to deny it, but i can't. The brief times i have been in San Francisco (at my house), it has been cold and cloudy, and the fact that it is July and August i'm missing the sun. I don't really want to live in the burbs in the south bay, but i would like to be somewhere that would allow for walking outside in shorts every now and then. i couldn't figure out what to wear for the last 3 weeks. I think i am finally getting it.

I know i mentioned that people stare a bit here. It is still weird. I guess i am beginning to recognize that if i don't want to be looked at weird i might not want to wear the "i stole music" shirt. The kids seem to love it, the parents are wondering what this "parent" looking guy doing with the pithy shirt on. I've been saving the "you learn something new and depressing every day" shirt for a special occasion.

Another nice thing about the burbs, and a tip:

When the Nordstrom Rack in your big city is picked over. Leave town. To Boot New York shoes were plentiful in my size, and cheap. I was kind of amzed. I channeled my friend Damon and bought some cool stuff.

So the last thing I have been doing is watching a lot of movies and listening to a lot of music. Neither has been a waste of time. I realized, again, that i am once again filling in the popular culture voids in my last 7 years. I'm getting it, though this time around, i don't think i missed much.

Okay, onward.

Over the last few weeks i started dealing with some things deeply engrained in me. First of all things are not so great at home, but we're dealing with it.

I'm proud of the fact that we were able to separate and not be at one another's throats. There was no yelling and screaming, no threats, just both of us admitting that there was a serious problem. She definitely had been thinking about it a lot more than i had and she definitely had a plan for where she wanted things to go.

So there was a catalyst for me to start thinking about me, my own issues, and our issues as a unit. I also was giving a lot of time and space to do that type of thinking. I guess i kind of needed that.

I realized that i have a bunch of paterns that i have lived my life by. A lot of them are squarely rooted in fear.

Starting at the top, i realize that i am dependent on someone else along with me to dictate my overall happy or content position in life. Things good with the relationship things good with life in general. I also realized, I was worried about being alone. who would i do things with? Who would take care of certain things? Who would laugh at my jokes, and who would be the person on my life insurance?

Work. I worry about work. What am i doing, what is it's relevance, what is it's value, how am i perceived at work and through the work that I do? Will there be enough work for me to do? Will i be able to do and afford the things that i want to?

Friends. I worry about what my friends think, how they view me, and the time that they spend with me. Like my wife, i've become dependent on my friends to help define me. Happy with my situations with my friends, happy generally with life.

Stuff. New stuff provides a short high. I like stuff. I admit it. I like being able to buy stuff, and again to some degree i define my success by the stuff i have.

There is an equation here. People + Work + Stuff = generally happy or unhappy

Another interesting thing about the equation is that the left hand factors are interrelated. Friends are shitty and wife is understanding things can be okay. Work is crap, add more stuff and then going to work isn't so hard. You get the picture.

So i began to realize that wife might not be part of the equation. Fear.

I also realized that friends weren't really in the picture much either. Fear.

Work is okay, but there could be more of it. Fear.

No work, and being on your own means no ability to acquire stuff. Fear.

Still no idea if i would be able to share simple things with someone else. Alone. Fear.

Ugh. Was it midlife crisis v.3? I really thought i was over this kind of catastropic failure. As things were beginning to drop I realized that there was no way that they could hit the floor. I have some pretty hefty responsibilities right now with some things that i think are extremely important.

I started to take inventory, and the baseline is going to sound crazy, but it gets more sophisticated. I'm sitting there thinking about life at it's most basic for me.

Do i still like to eat, and am i actually eating? Yes. I crave certain things.

Can i wake up in the morning and focus on a day of things that need to get done? Yes.

Coffee? I still desire coffee, and i still care how it tastes. Yes.

Do i still like to drive fast? Yes. I was grinning like an idiot driving over 100 on 280 one night. (one of my parents said that this might also signal that I am tired of living. Yes, yes, i hear you. I do my speeding as safely as possible i guess. It isn't for everyone, and i certainly try not to be reckless, but I like that feeling of floating on smooth pavement.)

I am feeling things. I am not feeling like crap. I actually desire to go on. Without fear, andwithout knowing what's happening next. Holy crap. I don't know what's going to happen and I am not freaking out. I'm laughing and potentially normal, even though I am dealing with the things that freak me out most.

What's going on here?

This was a momement that I started to realize something. I'm not an unhappy person. Things were FAR from perfect in my life, and I'm still happy. No this was not the result of coffee and driving fast.

I looked around and realized that I was just happy. I wasn't happy for anyone other than me, i was trying to fool anyone, impress anyone, or prove to anyone that I was something I wasn't.

With the happiness came a content feeling that I can describe. I'm not freaked out. I not stressed out. I'm just living my life, and i am not looking for anything more. Just enjoying the days one at a time.

Then it hit. I don't NEED any of those factors to make me happy. Either I am happy or I am not. I desire some of those things in my life, but I don't need them. Another person isn't going to make me happy. They can add to my happiness, or my sadness for that matter, but they are not the source of my happiness.

Sounds a little Zen. I don't know, I'm simply feeling my way through, and with it has come a ton of power.

I still have bad days. Clearly I have bad days. Being sick the last few days has completely sucked. I started to get all bummed out today. I hadn't seen the light of day since Friday afternoon. I haven't really had much in the way of human contact at all. Then i realized that i was sick, i had needed the rest, and I still got a bunch of stuff done. Pretty good for being totally out of it for 48 hours.

Okay i'm babbling. I think what i am trying to say is:

I don't really know what is next. I am comfortable with that.

I'm happy, and that comes from within. It's only me that is going to make me happy. (don't most people learn this when they are like 5? Maybe some people never learn it.) I think the bigger thing for me is that i am content. I know that happy is going to fade, but content is something that i can ride over the bumps.

Content also means that I am not worrying about what's next.

A few words on the relationship...i don't know where things are going to land with my wife and i. I hope that things work out, but if they don't maybe we will both be happier. If things work it will only be because we have figured out how to be happy together, and happy as single entities. I'm proud of the two of us, because neither of us did anything to sabotage the relationship, and we have been totally humane. We are talking which is a nice change from where we have been the last 1.5 years. I remembered that my wife was once my best friend.

Oh, and one other thing. I am glad to have had this time. It has been a weird 3 weeks, but it has been a good three weeks. I feel like I have been able to grow. I also feel like i have been able to reconnect with my parents. They are great people that i am truly greatful for. I also have to give a shout of to a few of my close friends that have listened and offered smart advice.

Who knows what tomorrow holds. Each day is different. I still count my good and bad days, but I am starting to look at them a little more critically by the event as opposed to the trend of days. I also realize i can pull myself out of a bad day pretty quickly just by looking inside.

Inside holds a lot of stuff. Who knew? It was so close to me, but so amazingly far away for all these years.