Confusion

…and that feeling of really not knowing…anything.

I realize that my sense of well being changes on a daily basis and I am highly susceptible to anything in my environment. I catch a cold like a 5 year old in a kindergarten class without flu shots. Well no, not actually (trust me I prayed for the killer strain of H1N1…something that would take out the entire Sunset District in San Francisco, or at least the Muni train). I actually feel like my sense of well being is effected by everything. Work, conversations, the coffee, difficulties with anything.

I can't really ditch the feeling that I am being ditched. I feel like I have been put out with the trash. Worthless. I think I'll save all of the feelings of worthlessness for some other blog entry. I don't think I have the strength to go into that abyss today. That and I have to stay somewhat focused or things at work will seriously hit the floor.

I don't know how long I will be alone for, and lately I have been worrying about wheter or not I have totally f'd up my afterlife along with this one. I did stand up in a church and do that whole celestial bond thing. My mom seems to have conveniently bent the traditional Catholic bend, by saying that the whole vow ends with until deth do us part…meaning we are free of that bond after we croak?! Ok. Sure. I guess I'll have less in my after life by fucking the universe here. I guess Steph and her new husband and their kid will live in the bigger house down the block. Maybe me, Tiff, Phil, and Daisy can hang in the hovel down on 40th. You see how my craziness had gotten me to this place.

I guess I don't even know how to fix the here and now and somehow I am worried about what happens after I die.

I have been reading on the internet that these are reasonably "normal" thoughts and feelings. Your sense of loss takes over and you are going to go through this rollercoaster of emotions.

Things are fine. No, wait, no they aren't (too much cream in my coffee). Wow I can't believe how angry I am, I mean for god sakes I did everything I could for her? Oh, geez, I'm sad, I hate being alone, who's going to pass me the gravy at Thanksgiving? Do I still get her a Christmas gift or a Birthday gift? Oh, wow what the hell am I going to do for Christmas?

I actually miss her.

What the hell is the matter with me? No, things are fine. No, wait they aren't (our client just bailed on a multi year contract). Wow I can't believe how angry I am, I mean for god sakes I did everything I could for those people. FUCK, now I am sad again.

Steph used to at least listen to me when these things happened. Now where do I turn? As messed up as it was, a major part of my life has been completely removed and I am left not knowing how to fill the void.

How do I tell Hootie from Hootie and The Blowfish from the singer in the Counting Crows? I guess I'd have to ask them both to sing.

Lastly, in this space of confusion. I start thinking about my friends and my family. Jeebuz the burden I have placed on all of them. Which is the worst for me. I have spent my entire life trying to stay out of the burden space…well unless you are Steph, then you probably doubt that I understand the definition of the word. True. I have such a hard time asking for help, asking for support, and asking to not be alone.

Again, everything I read says that this is a very natural reaction to this situation…well because I guess most humans feel broken and humiliated by this situation. Uh, yeah, that one I don't think is too confusing. That one landed square and I can check that one off.

So what to do?

I don't know. Breath?

No, I think you continue to ask questions, wonder. It's killing me, but I don't really know what else to do.

Did I mention it is killing me?

Oh, but let me thank the people that support me, and that I have burdened: mom and dad, Jeff, Sarah, Jennifer, Jennifer, Damon, Christina, Sara, Miriam, Alan, Dave, the starbucks in downtown Campbell, the starbucks in Los Gatos, the Starbucks on Battery and Clay, and who could forget the starbucks at Levi's Plaza…oh and a shout out for Levi's in general for getting me through last week with their building size ad campaign at Levi's Plaza. Oh and I guess Los Gatos Coffee Roastery.


The soundtrack for this blog was provided by Neko Case, Agent Orange, Frou Frou, Pink Martini, China Forbes, The Shins, Zero 7, and the Sneaker Pimps…and feels a bit like endless sumer crashed into garden state.