here today goon tomorrow

Have you had the occasion to see someone daily in their "environment" and then be surprised when you see how different they are in another environment? The hair comes down, the clothes are different, even how they carry themselves is new. The resulting feeling that you didn't actually know them, or what you thought you knew about them has now been changed in some subtle way. Maybe, you like and/or respect them more.

I had a couple of back to back situations like that tonight, i'm still processing how i feel about it.

Situation A is one that i am well acquainted with. I have a friend and longtime coworker that I can never get a read on. We have a lot in common (like we are both overdriven only children), we challenge one another but have always generally gotten along. There was a time when we couldn't see eye to eye on the overall direction of the company we worked for. Sucked because we were both part of the corporate management team. Our area of murky has always been around the same topic, how do we combine our talents into something that makes sense as a business...or should we even work together again? It's lots of talk with no immediate action. i personally have tried to get this person to come up with a reasonable scenario where we might try to work togehter...it never happens. i think the most frustrating thing has been the dance that is necessary to even have the conversation. I approach, throw out what I am trying to do, i get a response...which is always less than clear, and we start again. Refine, approach, or get taken to a different approach. Wash spin soak, repeat.

Tonight was different.

Maybe there is general frustration on his part, or maybe we have just grown tired of the dance, but there was a level of shared honesty that was surprising. I guess it made me see this person in a whole new light. It was almost as if we finally acknowledged a mutual respect for one another that said "finally, we are equal. finally, we might be able to figure a way to work together"...and maybe we are friends with mutual respect. i recognize after all these years, someone i had always called my friend might actually my friend. I didn't want to say goodbye but i had to. i was late for another dinner.

Situation B, I got to my next dinner meeting 25 minutes late. Not really my usual (for business), and this is not a person who is really tolerant of late...or at least that is what my experience has told me.

It got worse as i couldn't find where were supposed to meet in the restaurant. The place was jammed with people. It took a phone call and an IM to figure out where i needed to be. I was surprised by the reasonably warm reception, as if the wait was not completely annoying. Am i misjudging everyone i "think" i know?

Maybe.

Some superficial aspects. I think what I enjoy about these events is the ability to see someone in a casual environment dressed the part of casual. I don't typically get to see this, but i have to say it interests me. conversation seems less stilted, conversation flows, more laughter, and the movement; even the walking is just a little different.

Then there is just the general demeanor of the interaction. Nothing fake, no posturing, and generally just the laughs. Even the serious parts of the conversation were a bit more comfortable. I'm not editing. Strange, i feel like i do edit a little here and there.

Lastly, things i have generally found less than desirable i see in a different light. If clothes make the (wo)man, are flip flops some kind of strange salvation from the bonds that we impose upon people that we think we know...and in some senses may not like. i have a hatred of flip flops, but in this strange reversed world i enjoyed the entire scene. Can environment be the cause? Or is it generally that this is the other side of a human that we don't often see?

I don't know.

What i do know is that i like seeing the other side. It may all go away tomorrow, and be reset to the strange relationship that we had at work (it usually does), but for a few minutes over drinks and dinner i got to comfortably laugh with someone that I at one time held at arms length.

Along with this comfort may have brought out some of my honesty, and that honesty may have some costs associated with it. My personal situation is a bit of a mess right now. I discussed some of this openly, and while i was taking in this friendship i may have inadvertently changed the dynamic of the dinner. Hopefully not the friendship.

I have no way of really knowing, but it is was somthing that i thought was a possibility. Kind of sucked to end my evening that way, but it gave me something to think about.

I'm going to hang on to the more positive side of these exchanges.

Okay let's do the math:

1. i might have another decent business opportunity (plus)
2. i might get to work on products with someone i respect (plus)
3. i have to figure out how to integrate my ideas and the other people's ideas into something that works for everyone...and some people may not agree with these mutual ideas (equal)
4. i may have over-shared details about my crap personal life (minus)
5. maybe i look less than stable (minus)
6. i got two hours of the most non complex highly functioning (deep) conversation that i've had in a few months (big plus)
7. i found a larger area of common ground (plus)
8. i saw something beautiful (plus)
9. i got the opportunity to laugh with a couple of people (plus)

I think that is a better average in the plus column.

I want more of that.

in other news: i am yet again fighting with my other half. I feel like an ass because i let her lead me into a place where i fought back. I was hurt and it made me attack instead of just ignoring the whole thing.

This is the reverse of my drinks and dinner situations from tonight. I think i see the issues and the person as clearly as I can. Unfortunately there aren't a ton of things that surprise me about my relationship in a positive way. I long to feel positive about the relationship. I want to go back to sitting across the table and being impressed by the person who i share a huge chunk of my life with.

It is having an impact on me, in all aspects of me life. I don't want to be nagged, i don't want to be critical, i just want to take in life, and enjoy things with the person I'm hanging out with. I want to laugh and have deep conversation i can care about.

It really is that simple. I know that given enough time the probability of being content with your relationship drops to 0, but aren't there things that we could do to at least prolong it. I've been married for 5 years, but we dated for 12 years prior....there are a lot of people who have done this for a lot longer.

Does it really just end up being the same camel hair coat and strappy shoes strewn all over the back seat of the car, or are people really different enough that someone could hang out with someone for 16 years and still derive interest, comfort, laughter, and ideas.

I would like that.