worst good bad day

I have no idea what just happened. It has been an extremely strange day. I started out getting up late but managed to get a fair amount done. Amazing since the last place I worked didn't really allow me to get much done. I quickly became confused, confusion turned to inaction, inaction turned to a trip to nowhere to get auto parts to fix my non-functioning car which turned to failure, which turned to an arguement, which turned into Wii and drunkeness for one of the two people that live here, which turned into puke, which turned me into a nurse. Here I am sitting in the dark in front of the same giant screen in the same template, typing away.

I'm frustrated, and I am lost.

Today, like most days was supposed to be different. I had a set amount of things i needed to do, i was supposed to get my butt to the track, get some practice, and get home. It all kind of fell apart. Now I know that nothing ever goes as planned, but my problem is i count things. I count good days, i count happy times, and I count my frustration. I add these things up every now and then and I make determinations about my life.

What didn't happen today...

Problem is I tend to lose track of whole sections of my life. My 20s are completely gone, i am missing huge portions of the last 15 years. It's like someone hits me in the head and I blank out for a few years. Then I wake up and realized i missed stuff. I can tell you where i worked, what projects i was on, what kind of car i drove and where i drove it to and from daily, but I can't tell you much else. There are whole periods of my life in rough 3-4 year intervals that I have completely lost. Now in my late 30s i'm worried that I am losing time again.

Problem also is, I am lazy. My current relationship is going on 18 years of on and off old, and if i do the math i would say the bad days are out numbering the good days about 5 to 1. The 'worst' days are beginning to gain on the bad days. I know, I know, rub some dirt on it. Relationships take work. True. This must be the oldest start up type relationship in the history of strange relationships.

I feel like i should be doing something else. Problem is what? See lazy. (look for quote later about strappy shoes and camel coats). I couldn't choose a healthy relationship if it was the only box on the ballot, and i have the hanging chads to prove it.

See lost.

I know that none of this makes me at all special, and i think being cognizant of that, says I am growing. I used to think i was quite alone in this space, and it made me feel sad, but special. Turns out there are a lot of people close to me that are in the exact same spot. I have no idea how my father stays married to my mother, they are going on 40 years. That said, i look around and i do see good examples of how real relationships work. My oldest friend has been married about 4 years and they have a truly great relationship. It is a real relationship, with ups and downs...but they still do things that I haven't done in years (hold hands), (talk), and possibly spend time with one another where a chore is not involved.

The other person who inhabits my house is a good person. Smart. Cute. Driven. Clever. Sometimes mean and insensitive...but i can appreciate their club.

Tired.

First post. Sorry it isn't exactly exciting. I guess when i get comfortable with the fact that this is out in public, and still no one is going to read it will i be able to be more open.

I hope to figure it out. I feel closer than ever, but i'm sure it will continue to vex me. Stay tuned and find out.